With the new (last?) series of Big Brother UK starting tonight, I thought it a good idea to put the record straight.
It’s not widely known that the producers of Celebrity Big Brother have attempted to recruit yours truly for every UK series so far. In fact, they have frequently resorted to quite ludicrous levels of bribery, sending in the post entirely shameless blandishments of a most extravagant nature, all of which of course have had to be returned with a kind refusal note.
I have nothing against Mr Orwell. I simply do not want to appear in his television show, and neither do I wish to be interviewed by the clearly insane Davina. Now, if the Sony Award-winning Dermot was still in place, then it might be different, but he isn’t, and so the matter is closed.
I have devised several reality shows of my own. Much like human Big Brother they are based on studying animal behaviour, but mine are more to do with genuine reality, such as chewing, grooming, rutting, and spitting. My absolute favourite show is called “Big Llama” which something that other llamas will surely stay up all night to watch.